No longer waitressing. Sigh.

Okay, so I'm no longer waitressing! I've moved on to bigger and better things! Yeah!

Okay, so maybe not 'better'. Depends on what you define 'better' as, really.

I get benefits at my new job, double the hours, and PAID BREAKS. You have NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE MY BREAKS. And I get my own cubicle!

But I will admit, I miss my old customers. I just went in for breakfast at the restaurant today, and everyone I had ever served and gotten to know was waving to me and smiling and talking to me. And I kind of miss them. They're all hard working guys with a sweet disposition and a great sense of humor (and they tipped pretty good!). 

Now I sit in a cubicle with a headset on, dealing with whiny people on the phone. Sometimes I'll get the sweethearts on the phone, but there's definitely a wonderful thing about getting someone who knows you by name and says hello to you every day.

Oh well. It's a fairly even trade. 

Slower than a fat kid at a weight watchers convention

Have you ever been able to read an entire newspaper, eat a leisurely lunch, and endlessly chat with your coworkers during a shift? That's EXACTLY what I had the pleasure to do yesterday. That's how slow it was. I made half of what I usually make in a shift, and it pisses me off. I have no fucking clue why it was so slow, either. I seriously thought about going outside waving a sign that said we're open. I mean, the parking lot was DEAD. Damn.

So yeah. That's all.

Please. For the love of god. LISTEN.

When I ask you what you want to drink, please, please PLEASE don't say "menu". I get you want a menu. But really I think you should have something to drink first, if you're so dehydrated you can't listen to and answer a simple question. 

Wait .5 seconds for your menu, so I can make sure you don't pass out from stupid.

Kthx!

-Crazyasswaitress 

Please don't pour coffee on me.

Coffee hurts.

Table walk outs and emoness.

I was working our Back section. Here's the layout. One round table that seats 6 but fits 8. A three four-tops. A two-top, and a 6-top long table. The round table, long table, and one of the four tops are on one side of the aisle. The other 4 tops and the two top are on the other.

At the time, I had all tables with people sitting at them. The round table had 6, one 4-top had 4, another had 3, and another had 2. The two top was occupied. The long 6-top had one elderly person at it that usually sit there. 

Yesterday, I was working. We had just had a huge rush (on a Thursday afternoon, people pouring out the door, wtf?), and I had one table out of them finally pay and leave. Cool. The avaliable table was a four top. I had a group of nine walk back into my section when I was taking tickets at the register. I wtf'd as I didn't have a table available for them. I went back there, and they had taken up the avaliable 4-top, two of the seats on the table next to them (literally sitting at the table this poor couple is at. Apparently they 'offered' the spot, but who in their right mind says "OH YEAH WE'LL TAKE YOUR HALF-TABLE ASDFGHJKL"). They had also cannibalized chairs from another table (I think the long table for 6)

All in all, they had 9 people at a table and a half, and even if that WAS ok, the area would only seat 6.

I stopped and said "I'm sorry, we can't have you seated like that. It violates the local fire codes" (Which it does, along with making it impossible for me to serve them anything.) They start saying "SO YOU WON'T SERVE US?" or somesuch garbage. My memory can be horrible when it comes to other people's dialogue. I tell them that it's out of my hands, but if they want to wait a few minutes, I'm sure we could find them a seat. One of them turned to me and said "So you want us to walk out!?" And I said "No, but if you'd like to wait, I'm sure we'll have space" So they gurglesnarled and walked out. Sure, I lost a big table, but I found out later from our cook that they tried to do the same thing last week and walked out, too.

Sigh.

Short rant

Dear irritating black guy,
No, we don't have cappuccino. We have coffee. Plain old black coffee (now avaliable in DECAF!). No, we don't have fancy-ass flavored creamers. NO WE DON'T HAVE CAPPUCCINO. STOP ASKING. SEE THOSE POTS!? THE BLACK AND THE ORANGE ONES?! THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE. We're a place famous for giving you a plate of food for $3. We're not gonna have a cappuccino machine. Or flavored creamer. We have enough trouble getting our boss to order REGULAR creamer. Please stop asking.

Love,
Crazyasswaitress <3

Christian Tracts; I hate them

I figure I went through another waitress initiation today; the recieving of the Chick Tract.

This guy was nice about it though. He wanted to talk to me about Christianity. That's all well and good... but I was busy and had things to do (y'know.... working?)

Well, he handed me the million dollar Chick tract. He talked about it for a bit, and I accepted it. At least he wasn't a dick and stuck it under the plate to give me hope that he gave me a $10 tip.

Instead, he left $0.35 Yep, 35 cents and a chick tract.

If you haven't recieved one yet, they look something like this;

They have random celebrities on them, and all in all, they're just rather tacky.

Sure, they work on some people (I'm sure they MUST, or those things would be completely pointless.), but they sure as shit don't work on me. Especially when you're trying to practice your schpiel on someone who doesn't want to hear it, and then tipping me BADLY. I haven't had a tip that bad since "white toast is brown" guy.

So, thanks for the random piece of paper, and for reminding me why I hate people who want to take valuable time out of your life to try and convert you (when you're already of said opinion/religion). It's like...

Clueless dude:"Do you like pie?"

You: "Uh... yeah?"

Clueless dude:"Well, here ten reasons you should like pie!" 

You: "I already said I like pie."

Clueless dude: "Well, here's a pamphlet on the awesomeness of pie!!!"

You: "I hate you."

Seriously. Take religion out of it, and add pie, and you made this conversation much more amusing. And slightly less irritating.

Increasing your tips, take 94672834

I didn't work today. But I have something BETTER.

If you're a waitress or waiter, at some point I'm sure you've googled the phrase "Increasing tips as a waitress" or something similar. If you have, you've received the same advice over and over and over again. Smile, be attentive, things you ALREADY do. 

So, let's try giving this information, but make it a little more realistic, k?

TOP 10 WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR TIPS (and what it will cost you)

1.) Always smile; unless their mom died; normal people don't smile at another's pain. (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

2.) Be attentive; at least on days you didn't smoke a spliff and pop a vicodin before walking on the floor (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

3.) Introduce yourself; because hearing someone you don't know shout your name instead of "WAITRESS, MOAR DRINKS!" is oh-so-much-more personal. (Estimated tip increase: 53%)

4.) Squat by the table; It gives the men a better view of your cleavage, and the kids a different target for their sippy cups, straw wrappers, and silverware. In this position, they can hit your face instead of your kneecaps. (Estimated Tip increase: 20-25%)

5.) Touching Customers; and not in the sexy way. Placing your hand on their shoulder (not thigh, damnit! Don't you listen?) tells them you're gonna them their food, and you're gonna give it to 'em good. (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

6.) Be Entertaining; Try using one of the support columns like a stripper pole. That should work. (Estimated Tip increase: 40%)

7.) Write "Thank you" on checks; when what you really mean is "Thank you for getting the fuck out of my section". (Estimated Tip increase: 13%)

8.) Call Customers by name; because knowing their name without actually meeting them isn't creepy or stalkerish, it's personal.  (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

9.) Give customers candy- unless they're diabetic, then don't. That'll probably kill them. But if you need a little excitement that day (and you consider EMT's exciting), go ahead.

10.) Wear something different; no, don't go out and dress in drag. That's a little too different. But wearing something interesting or crazy will give you compliments- and criticisms, all day. If you already have bitchy customers, they're just going to bitch about the color you're wearing, or how they hate big necklaces, or somesuch.  (Estimated Tip increase: 17%)

Take it or leave it. 

Tee-Hee.

Victory! And unintentional sexual harassment.

I succeeded in making two very picky, and NEVER happy customers, happy.

Oh yeah. I did. Their food is never right. Nothing is correct, and their food will go back 2 or 3 times before they'll eat it. The senior server hates them, and so does the cook.

I got it right first shot.

They were as happy as two consistently cranky old people can be, and inside, I feel like I accomplished something amazing. Made me happy for the rest of the day.

ALSO

The senior waitress walked by as I was filling ketchup bottles, and said sorry. I asked why, and she said "for touching your butt"; I hadn't felt anything and said "well, next time give it a good squeeze". The look on her face was... I don't even know. Shock, confusion, perhaps even offense. I laughed, and said I was kidding, I didn't mean, and apologized if I weirded her out. 

I need to keep my mouth in check, sometimes.

Sometimes.

Don't walk out on me! (A hate post.)

A six top wanders in (two teens/early twenties, a 50-ish woman, a 50-ish man, and two kids), along with three other tables at 10:30 am(open seating means I could be in the weeds in three seconds flat. Sob.) They plop down and I ask for their drink order, They hem and haw and give up their choice of drink. I drop off the drinks, and go to try and address the other tables.

"EXCUSE ME! WE'RE READY TO ORDER!"

Sigh.

I wander back, and they demand menus. Um, ok? (Open seating, grab your own menu type place. Way informal.) I grab them, and once again attempt to address other tables, as THEY don't have their drinks yet and THEY have yet to be greeted.

"EXCUSE ME! *WE'RE* *READY* *TO* *ORDER*"

SIGH.

I go back. They order the breakfast steak nn eggs, WELL done, one asking for "'ashbrowns wit' cheesse." Three of them. One tries to sub pancakes for her toast. We don't sub, pancakes are more expensive than bread. Whatever. They order a mess of pancakes, and go back to grumbling. Then the woman pipes up "EXCUSE ME! CAN I A PITCHER OF ICED TEA?". Um, ask when you order drinks? Once again, whatever. I go to drop the order off and address tables. I get one done, and grab food up for another table that has been waiting forever for their food while this table badgered me instead of waiting like good customers. (This couple was so sweet and patient. If they ever come back, I swear to god I will do a happy dance.)

I come back, hands full of food and drinks (Like four plates on one arm, a tray of drinks in the other.

"EXCUSE ME! I NEED MY ICED TEA!"

IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou.

I tell her I will get her pitcher in just one moment, drop off the food and drinks, get her pitcher of iced tea, and address the OTHER table (poor dears. They're regulars, so they're ok with all this.)

At this point I have all except one table's orders, all drinks out, and these people are still being BITCHY. The woman is giving me a look from hell, and I'm overwhelmed. The whole restaurant save for one table is packed (I had a little two top that was empty. Thank god.), the kitchen is flooded with PANCAKE ORDERS (fucking pancakes), and this lady is HATING me for not focusing on her and her family 100% of the time.

Food comes out. Finally. Now, they ordered food for six people. Our restaurant has no food runners. I have to take this food out solo. So I carry about half to the table.

I make another trip as they mumble about not getting their food at the same instant. I come back, and all hell beaks loose.

One person claims their eggs were supposed to have cheese, or something. I run it back, and bam, cheese on eggs. One claims to be missing pancakes. I say I'll check the kitchen, and yes, I missed a plate of pancakes. I bring them back and all of a sudden they're saying everything is wrong, and say they're not eating, paying, or staying for corrections. They get up and walk out. So, messy, empty table, no money for the wasted food, no tip.

Sob.

One more story.

I sat or wiped something on my ass today (Probably a puddle on a chair or the floor or a table or a wet rag... the possibilities are endless for me.) That SOAKED my bum. I had a bigass wet spot on my jeans.

I turned and noticed, and said "I have a wet spot! Dangit!" or something similar around the "round table" (communal six top we have. People come and go. The regulars use it.)

One guy turned and said "Are you sure? Can I touch and check?"

Soblol.

I need to update more often. Sob.

So its been over two months since I updated. Sob.

So, sucky coworker is still sucking, and stealing tips from everyone now. She's been caught repeatedly, and was bold enough to steal a tip in front of our boss. And she's coming in up to an hour late.

Hopefully she's not long for this job. Other than her tits, she's not cut our for this godforsaken job.

Speaking of cut; my hours got cut. I'm only working 20 hours a week. I can't work much more without exploding, but it disappoints me to get less tips, and fewer hours.

Ah well. It'll all work out.