Increasing your tips, take 94672834

I didn't work today. But I have something BETTER.

If you're a waitress or waiter, at some point I'm sure you've googled the phrase "Increasing tips as a waitress" or something similar. If you have, you've received the same advice over and over and over again. Smile, be attentive, things you ALREADY do. 

So, let's try giving this information, but make it a little more realistic, k?

TOP 10 WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR TIPS (and what it will cost you)

1.) Always smile; unless their mom died; normal people don't smile at another's pain. (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

2.) Be attentive; at least on days you didn't smoke a spliff and pop a vicodin before walking on the floor (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

3.) Introduce yourself; because hearing someone you don't know shout your name instead of "WAITRESS, MOAR DRINKS!" is oh-so-much-more personal. (Estimated tip increase: 53%)

4.) Squat by the table; It gives the men a better view of your cleavage, and the kids a different target for their sippy cups, straw wrappers, and silverware. In this position, they can hit your face instead of your kneecaps. (Estimated Tip increase: 20-25%)

5.) Touching Customers; and not in the sexy way. Placing your hand on their shoulder (not thigh, damnit! Don't you listen?) tells them you're gonna them their food, and you're gonna give it to 'em good. (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

6.) Be Entertaining; Try using one of the support columns like a stripper pole. That should work. (Estimated Tip increase: 40%)

7.) Write "Thank you" on checks; when what you really mean is "Thank you for getting the fuck out of my section". (Estimated Tip increase: 13%)

8.) Call Customers by name; because knowing their name without actually meeting them isn't creepy or stalkerish, it's personal.  (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

9.) Give customers candy- unless they're diabetic, then don't. That'll probably kill them. But if you need a little excitement that day (and you consider EMT's exciting), go ahead.

10.) Wear something different; no, don't go out and dress in drag. That's a little too different. But wearing something interesting or crazy will give you compliments- and criticisms, all day. If you already have bitchy customers, they're just going to bitch about the color you're wearing, or how they hate big necklaces, or somesuch.  (Estimated Tip increase: 17%)

Take it or leave it. 

Tee-Hee.

Victory! And unintentional sexual harassment.

I succeeded in making two very picky, and NEVER happy customers, happy.

Oh yeah. I did. Their food is never right. Nothing is correct, and their food will go back 2 or 3 times before they'll eat it. The senior server hates them, and so does the cook.

I got it right first shot.

They were as happy as two consistently cranky old people can be, and inside, I feel like I accomplished something amazing. Made me happy for the rest of the day.

ALSO

The senior waitress walked by as I was filling ketchup bottles, and said sorry. I asked why, and she said "for touching your butt"; I hadn't felt anything and said "well, next time give it a good squeeze". The look on her face was... I don't even know. Shock, confusion, perhaps even offense. I laughed, and said I was kidding, I didn't mean, and apologized if I weirded her out. 

I need to keep my mouth in check, sometimes.

Sometimes.

Don't walk out on me! (A hate post.)

A six top wanders in (two teens/early twenties, a 50-ish woman, a 50-ish man, and two kids), along with three other tables at 10:30 am(open seating means I could be in the weeds in three seconds flat. Sob.) They plop down and I ask for their drink order, They hem and haw and give up their choice of drink. I drop off the drinks, and go to try and address the other tables.

"EXCUSE ME! WE'RE READY TO ORDER!"

Sigh.

I wander back, and they demand menus. Um, ok? (Open seating, grab your own menu type place. Way informal.) I grab them, and once again attempt to address other tables, as THEY don't have their drinks yet and THEY have yet to be greeted.

"EXCUSE ME! *WE'RE* *READY* *TO* *ORDER*"

SIGH.

I go back. They order the breakfast steak nn eggs, WELL done, one asking for "'ashbrowns wit' cheesse." Three of them. One tries to sub pancakes for her toast. We don't sub, pancakes are more expensive than bread. Whatever. They order a mess of pancakes, and go back to grumbling. Then the woman pipes up "EXCUSE ME! CAN I A PITCHER OF ICED TEA?". Um, ask when you order drinks? Once again, whatever. I go to drop the order off and address tables. I get one done, and grab food up for another table that has been waiting forever for their food while this table badgered me instead of waiting like good customers. (This couple was so sweet and patient. If they ever come back, I swear to god I will do a happy dance.)

I come back, hands full of food and drinks (Like four plates on one arm, a tray of drinks in the other.

"EXCUSE ME! I NEED MY ICED TEA!"

IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou.

I tell her I will get her pitcher in just one moment, drop off the food and drinks, get her pitcher of iced tea, and address the OTHER table (poor dears. They're regulars, so they're ok with all this.)

At this point I have all except one table's orders, all drinks out, and these people are still being BITCHY. The woman is giving me a look from hell, and I'm overwhelmed. The whole restaurant save for one table is packed (I had a little two top that was empty. Thank god.), the kitchen is flooded with PANCAKE ORDERS (fucking pancakes), and this lady is HATING me for not focusing on her and her family 100% of the time.

Food comes out. Finally. Now, they ordered food for six people. Our restaurant has no food runners. I have to take this food out solo. So I carry about half to the table.

I make another trip as they mumble about not getting their food at the same instant. I come back, and all hell beaks loose.

One person claims their eggs were supposed to have cheese, or something. I run it back, and bam, cheese on eggs. One claims to be missing pancakes. I say I'll check the kitchen, and yes, I missed a plate of pancakes. I bring them back and all of a sudden they're saying everything is wrong, and say they're not eating, paying, or staying for corrections. They get up and walk out. So, messy, empty table, no money for the wasted food, no tip.

Sob.

One more story.

I sat or wiped something on my ass today (Probably a puddle on a chair or the floor or a table or a wet rag... the possibilities are endless for me.) That SOAKED my bum. I had a bigass wet spot on my jeans.

I turned and noticed, and said "I have a wet spot! Dangit!" or something similar around the "round table" (communal six top we have. People come and go. The regulars use it.)

One guy turned and said "Are you sure? Can I touch and check?"

Soblol.