Increasing your tips, take 94672834

I didn't work today. But I have something BETTER.

If you're a waitress or waiter, at some point I'm sure you've googled the phrase "Increasing tips as a waitress" or something similar. If you have, you've received the same advice over and over and over again. Smile, be attentive, things you ALREADY do. 

So, let's try giving this information, but make it a little more realistic, k?

TOP 10 WAYS TO INCREASE YOUR TIPS (and what it will cost you)

1.) Always smile; unless their mom died; normal people don't smile at another's pain. (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

2.) Be attentive; at least on days you didn't smoke a spliff and pop a vicodin before walking on the floor (Estimated tip increase: N/A)

3.) Introduce yourself; because hearing someone you don't know shout your name instead of "WAITRESS, MOAR DRINKS!" is oh-so-much-more personal. (Estimated tip increase: 53%)

4.) Squat by the table; It gives the men a better view of your cleavage, and the kids a different target for their sippy cups, straw wrappers, and silverware. In this position, they can hit your face instead of your kneecaps. (Estimated Tip increase: 20-25%)

5.) Touching Customers; and not in the sexy way. Placing your hand on their shoulder (not thigh, damnit! Don't you listen?) tells them you're gonna them their food, and you're gonna give it to 'em good. (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

6.) Be Entertaining; Try using one of the support columns like a stripper pole. That should work. (Estimated Tip increase: 40%)

7.) Write "Thank you" on checks; when what you really mean is "Thank you for getting the fuck out of my section". (Estimated Tip increase: 13%)

8.) Call Customers by name; because knowing their name without actually meeting them isn't creepy or stalkerish, it's personal.  (Estimated Tip increase: N/A)

9.) Give customers candy- unless they're diabetic, then don't. That'll probably kill them. But if you need a little excitement that day (and you consider EMT's exciting), go ahead.

10.) Wear something different; no, don't go out and dress in drag. That's a little too different. But wearing something interesting or crazy will give you compliments- and criticisms, all day. If you already have bitchy customers, they're just going to bitch about the color you're wearing, or how they hate big necklaces, or somesuch.  (Estimated Tip increase: 17%)

Take it or leave it. 

Tee-Hee.